Who says you can't go home again?
by samanddianefan10
Summary: Post war. Hawkeye is back home with his father that helps him gain perspective into why things happened the way they went down towards the end of Korea. My 300th story!


It was a hot day in Crabapple Cove, not that Hawkeye was complaining. The hottest day in Maine, or even Hades for that matter, was sure to beat the mildest day in Korea. He and his father were sitting on the front porch, drinking some iced tea, plenty of sugar, just enjoying the sun and the conversation. Of all the things Hawkeye missed most during his time at the war, conversing with his father was at the top of the list. No one made him laugh, made him smile, or just made him glad to be alive like his father had.

They weren't really talking about much, really. The weather. The practice that they now shared. Mrs. Applebee and her bunions. Anything but rather than what Hawkeye really needed to discuss with someone- other than Sydney Freedman of course, which was the breakdown.

A breakdown. Benjamin Franklin Pierce had suffered a breakdown at the end of the war, which surprised everyone, most of all Hawkeye. Daniel had his suspicions concerning what might have happened, but the truth was, his son wasn't quite the the same, and all he knew was that Hawkeye didn't want to talk about it.

There were letters, of course, but only his son knew the reality of what had happened to cause "it". Daniel would have loved for Hawkeye to open up, but he couldn't pry, not into something as serious as that. All he knew was that his son had survived the war, for better or worse, and nothing could have made Daniel happier or prouder.

Suddenly Hawkeye grew serious and appeared to be studying a woman who was passing by, pushing a baby carriage. Why that woman caught his son's attention, Daniel didn't know, but this was as good as a time as any to find out what was going through his son's mind.

"Anything you'd like to share with me? I'm all ears. I haven't been perfect but I've tried to support you in anything you do. You just seem like you're a million miles from here."

Hawkeye couldn't' stop staring. "It was a baby," he stated simply.

"Yes, that was a baby. What'd you expect, her to be pushing a puppy dog in that there carriage?"

As hard as he usually laughed at his father's jokes, Hawkeye couldn't muster the strength or the courage to find humor in the situation, as much as he wanted to. Some things just weren't that funny, he supposed.

"I won't pry. When you're ready to talk about it I guess you will," Daniel settled on saying.

"Dad..." Hawkeye started off slowly, not sure of what was about to come out of his mouth. "Have you ever had a moment in time that you wished, if you had all the magic powers in the world, that you could erase from your mind, from history?"

Daniel sighed. "Yes, son. It was the time I first found out about your mother's illness."

Hawkeye turned his attentions from the carriage to his father. "I'm sorry. I should have thought..."

"It's okay. I can talk about it now. For years I kept it to myself, nobody's business, I reckoned. But its okay. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. She was a hell of a woman, you know. Of course you were too young to remember..."

"I remember her cooking. I always ate two platefuls of whatever it was she cooked. One time, I think I was about five, she'd spent all day making me a birthday cake. I guess I couldn't wait. She put it so high out of reach that she didn't realize I'd grab a chair and puff...down went the cake. I don't remember if she was mad or not." Hawkeye smiled a genuine smile.

"She took pictures. I still have them. Wait here." With that, Daniel got up, went into the living room, and grabbed the photo album. After flipping through many pages he finally found the photograph he was looking for.

Hawkeye burst into laughter. "What a little devil I was. No wonder you stopped after me."

Daniel sighed. "Son, I think it's time to tell you the truth. We didn't stop after you."

"What are you talking about Dad?"

"When you were five, your mother had another baby. It was another boy. He didn't live to see six months. Scarlet fever got him, the doctors said. I'm sorry, maybe I should have told you, but I didn't know how to tell you something like that."

For once in his life, Hawkeye was speechless. "Dad...I had a brother? And no one bothered to tell me?"

"Your mother thought it best...she had the baby blues for a while anyways, and that just confounded things. I figure she died of a broken heart."

"Oh Dad...I wish I knew what to say..."

"That's okay son. I guess I messed things up between us, haven't I?"

Hawkeye set down his glass of iced tea and went over to embrace his father. "Actually, Dad, you've helped me more than you can ever imagine."

Daniel was confused, but didn't pry. It wasn't his place.

0000

As Hawkeye tried to drift to sleep that night, thoughts of the two missing babies in his life filled his mind. No wonder he snapped at the sight of the mother smothering her infant. He must have associated it with his mother and brother's deaths, even though he didn't really recall a brother. The mind was a powerful thing, and associations could be powerful. He'd learned that from Sydney. It all made sense. When that mother did what she did it was like he was losing his beloved mom all over again, for apparently it wasn't too long after his brother passed that his mother followed. Wow. Just wow.

He wasn't in Korea anymore, but he knew one person who knew what he'd been through who would be there for him during this time of need. Call any time of day or night, he'd told him.

"Hello, operator? Mill Valley, please. I need to speak with Dr. B.J. Hunicutt. Yes it's urgent. Thank you."

As Hawkeye waited, he had a feeling everything would be okay. BJ had made everything better in Korea, so why should now be any different. He knew then and there that everything would be okay as soon as he heard the groggy voice of his best friend.

"Beej...can you talk for a minute? Or rather, I need you to listen for a few..."

Yes, family and friends were truly the bread of life. And with that phone call that lasted eight hours, Hawkeye knew he'd live to face another day.

The end


End file.
